“Hair Today, and Tomorrow, and the Next Day”

Me: “Why do you pull your hair out?”

I bend over to pluck a white tuft from the carpet.

Tweak: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Me: “Really. What’s this? And this?”

I harvest another hair spiral from the couch, the chair, my cornbread.

Me: “It’s like a Dr. Seuss book in here.”

Tweak: “Oh, the places you’ll vacuum.”

Tweak rolls onto her back and chews at her belly like it owes her money. She raises her face, victorious, a rugby player in a scrum who’s just found the ball. Or possibly his spleen. She spits a white puff onto a red blanket.

Me: “You can’t even spit. Wipe your mouth. You look like a prom date.”

Tweak: “Why don’t you get creative with all this product I’m donating to the cause? Weave orphan blankets on Pinterest or something.”

Me: “Or sell it on Etsy. Glue it to a Twizzler and call it a pipe cleaner.”

Tweak: “Attach googly eyes and market them to meth head babies.”

Tweak rolls back and forth on a red blanket, excavates a bowl of hair.

Me: “You know, most cats are content to sit still and shed passively.”

Tweak: “Most cats are pussies.”

 

24 June 2014, “Tolerating Tweak.”

 

tweak red 3

“Blowing Things Off”

BOOM!!

 

Tweak: “Now what?”

Me: “M-80s.”

 

Bowie-dog crawls under a dresser. Tweak tilts her head so much that disdain drips out.

 

Tweak: “Are people dying?”

Me: “I can only hope.”

Tweak: “Is it humans attacking or ‘War of the Worlds’?”

Me: “Ooh! A Tom Cruise missile… One for me, one for Katie Holmes.”

 

BOOM!!

 

Through the window…

“Woo-hoo!”

“Dammit, Jesse!”

“Hold my beer.”

“FIND MY FINGERS!”

 

Tweak: “Give you guys opposable thumbs and you blow them off.”

Me: “M-80, M-81, whatever it takes.”

 

BOOM!!

 

Bowie-dog whimpers; Tweak narrows her eyes.

 

Tweak: “Let’s go find his fingers.”

Me: “That’s not his finger.”

Tweak: “Let’s go find his cruise missile.”

 

22 June 2014, “Tolerating Tweak.”

 

sleep night

“Insomnia”

Me: “Ugh. Why are you always here, here, HERE?!!”

Tweak: “This is where I sleep.”

Me: “Show off.”

I flip the pillow over and flop onto my back in an attempt to find coolth. Tweak, hot, next to me, and as immovable as an undeveloped twin, rotates one atom to the right.

Tweak: “Wait… you can’t SLEEP?”

Me: “Look at this face. Is this face asleep??”

Tweak: “That face is on fire.”

Me: “I CAN’T SLEEP!!”

Tweak: “I’ve never heard of such a thing.”

Me: “Of course not. You sleep like it’s your job.”

Tweak: “That, and being pretty.”

I grumble out of bed to fill up my ice water. Tweak follows me and climbs up to her food station because she can. She looks into her bowl like it has AIDS.

Tweak: “This bowl is half-empty.”

Me: “That bowl is half-full.”

Tweak: “It’s not the right half.”

I roll my eyes and pour in a handful of nurdles.

Tweak: “Maybe you can’t sleep because you roll your eyes.”

Me: “Maybe you can’t eat because I’m gonna sell you for medical experiments.”

Tweak: “You would never sell me. Because then you couldn’t sleep.”

Me: “Tweak, you ARE a medical experiment.”

Tweak: “Go back to bed.”

Me: “You coming?”

Tweak: “Of course. It’s my job.”

 

21 June 2014, “Tolerating Tweak.”

 

sleep soft green

“Rescuing the Busters”

Rescuing the Busters by Erin Waugh, 16 December 2010

[This is a reprint from December 2010, but the fact that we still brutalize “pets” with impunity is just as valid.]

Part 1 – Buster Has a Very Bad Day, or a Good One  

The back story: on Tuesday, 14 Dec 2010, Bowie-dog and I went for a hike. This is something we did nearly daily; we were veteran trail-walkers. Even though it was not properly legal, Bowie ran on the trails leash-free, and so did I. It was bright winter day in Cincinnati, sunshiny and 16°, and we crunch-crunched happily up the hill through the snow.

“Bring it!” sang the rhythm of my two feet.

“Bring it! Bring it!” echoed the rhythm of her four.

“COME NO FURTHER!!” barked some vicious cur in the brush up ahead.

We stopped. That’s what you do when animals hurl Monty Python dialogue at you. But only for a second. I could tell that the barking was more tragic than aggressive. We crunch-crunched closer. There, under some frost-encrusted branches, was the source of the warning. This was no Black Knight. It was a terrified young pit bull protecting his newly-created “nest” with every ounce of energy left in his mangled body, which, judging by the emaciated look of him, was about 23 calories worth. His short coat was red and white, at least where it was not ruined by poorly-healing fighting scars. The insides of both back legs were feverish pink with urine mange. The white part of his left eye was angry red, the result of a choking injury. He appeared to have about 2000 ribs, all of which were quivering in the extreme cold and working hard to summon the last of his remaining barks to keep us out of the only thing he owned – these two square feet of matted brush. The energy expenditure of having to make any more noise was going to starve him to death. I backed up so he wouldn’t die of “famine from barking.”

“Son. Of. A. Bitch.” I said, throwing my hands up in the air, inadvertently yanking my Bowie. Fortunately I had not yet liberated Bowie-dog from her leash. Because Bowie is an extremely well-mannered dog, she did not feel the need to point out the fact that I was cursing quite rabidly to no one. And that I was also NOT making any forward progress on her normal run-and-shit-through-the-woods jaunt that she so looks forward to.

I pulled Bowie back away from the very frightened “Buster.” Somehow I had already named the pit bull. The pathetic red dog was now “Buster,” and Buster was still barking at us to get the hell away from his igloo of bent branches, even as he peed all over himself.

Me: “I have turkey jerky in my car.”

Bowie-dog: “Of course you do.”

Me: “And we’re going back to fetch some for Buster.”

Bowie: “Can I have jerky?”

Me: “No.”

Bowie: “Why? Buster is not even your dog.”

Me: “He is right now.”

I opened the bag of turkey jerky and walked back toward Buster’s lair. He barked. “STAY AWAY!” That hole in the brush was all he had. That, and some bright pink injuries on his face that were beginning to ooze. I threw a piece of jerky on the ground in front of him. He barked, sniffed, bent down, barked, gobbled. He barked even as he ate it. I think I heard him mutter under his breath, “Holy shit, this is good.” I threw another piece in the brush. I knew the jerky was way too salty for a dog, but in this emergency I was not going to worry about Buster’s kidneys.

I needed help. Buster was terrified and starving and injured. I couldn’t coax him out of his safe place, not even with jerky. And even though Bowie-dog is a gentle bear of a girl, Buster didn’t know that. Frightened, cornered animals are unpredictable. And his jaws still worked. And I was very fond of my fingers. I was generous, but not foolish.

I found the number for the SPCA on my phone, called. Tried to describe where we were. Good grief. I had NO IDEA where we were! We were at the beginning of a trail in a giant park. I did my best to tell the phone operator how to find us, and she promised a truck would be out there. Some time. Eventually.

I couldn’t just walk away from Buster’s hidey-hole. Someone else coming upon him might react to a barking pit bull with an abundance of hostility. And possibly ammo.

And another awful thought: what if a child came by? Or a smaller dog without Bowie’s wealth of charm? I couldn’t risk it. We had to stay.

Did I mention it was 16°?

We were dressed for the weather (especially Bowie-dog in her pimp fur coat), but we were dressed for MOVING. Standing around in the cold makes your toes brittle. And your attitude. And Bowie-dog was getting antsy.

Bowie: “Why aren’t we walking?”

Me: “Because we’re in a small crisis.”

Bowie: “Does it involve me?”

Me: “It does now.”

I ran out of jerky. Buster was so hungry that I think I could have fed him the entire turkey from “A Christmas Story” and he would still have room for mashed potatoes. I dug around in my car some more. I found an old box of shortbread cookies under the passenger seat. They were stale. Buster did not notice.

Bowie: “Those probably aren’t good for him.”

Me: “You want one?”

Bowie: “Yeah.”

Three hours. Three hours after the first phone call, three hours of pacing and placating and freezing and watching the sun sink lower. Three hours later the SPCA truck finally found us.

The driver was a quiet but sure young man named Brandon. Brandon was dressed in winter gear and a halo. Brandon spoke in the kind of low voice that might summon angels. Using only treats from his pocket and an obvious kindness that radiated from his eyes to his Timberlands, Brandon sweet-talked Buster out of his hidey-hole. Somehow Brandon calmly convinced Buster that coming out was better than staying in there. Brandon could have coaxed Bin Laden out of a cave. This kid was g-o-o-d.

Once released into the sunshine, the violence that had been visited upon this dog was breathtaking in its brutality. The dog was young. Months instead of years. Every limb was battered. His face was a hashtag of wounds. His skin hurt.

Me: “What happens now?”

Brandon: “I will take him to the shelter.”

Me: “And then what?”

Brandon looked down at Buster then at me: “And then, we’ll see.”

And he smiled. Sort of.

Bowie-dog and I headed home, drove through a car wash, and cried.

 

————————————————————–

 

Part 2 – What Happened to Buster?

I drove to the SPCA the following day to find out. I walked up and down the gauntlet of caged dogs. Oh, friends, do not take this stroll casually. Bring an anti-emotion shield. And a tissue. And possibly a gas mask. With the exception of a Romanian orphanage set down in the war zone of Darfur, this is one of most tragic walks of shame a human should endure. I cried past a hundred unwanteds. When I could breathe.

Our Buster was not in any of the cages, so I went to the front desk and spoke with a truly lovely woman named Carrie. I described Buster’s ordeal from the day before and showed her his picture on my phone. Carrie examined some paperwork, but I got the feeling she didn’t have to. She told me that Buster, or Dog #159 as he was known now at the SPCA, was “in the back” and would be held for five days … until. And the room got quiet. And Carrie smiled. Sort of.

“Pit bulls are illegal in Cincinnati,” she told me, not really wanting to say it. We looked at each other.

“In the back” meant that Buster was in the hospital part of the shelter. After five days, if Dog #159 was well enough to be put “in population” (by the way, Dog #159 was only five months old!!), the vet will determine what to call him, by which I mean, what BREED. See, she (the vet) can choose to call him a “terrier mix” or some other less inflammatory name besides the dreaded PIT BULL. And it was obvious that she HAD done so for other dogs, since, as I had cried through the cages earlier, there were dogs up for adoption that clearly had some (wink, wink) “Staffordshire Terrier” in them.

Is any ONE dog savable? Even a poster-child dog like Buster?

I don’t know. (Although I’m pretty sure Buster himself was rather grateful). But I recognize that the problem is so much bigger. Maybe (maybe?) we can make a difference by helping the system as a whole. I looked around at the under-staffed office and the crowded cages and the toxic ammonia smell (it’s visible) and I wished I were Bill Gates. Or at least Melinda. The SPCA, which stands for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, is an extraordinary organization, but the work they do is like trying to stop gang wars with lollipops. And not even Blow Pops. But, like, Dum Dums, mystery flavor.

Fact is, they need money. So… maybe THAT’S what there is to do. Unless you can adopt all the unwanteds (and you can’t ‘less you wanna wind up on an episode of “Hoarders” and please… please don’t do this. Cuz then I’d have to come rescue YOU and take pictures of your nasty house, and your family would sue me for slander, and then I’d lose my computer and THAT CAN’T HAPPEN!!)

Maybe what we CAN do is send money to the places that CAN help, maybe the SPCA. Or any other organization that truly tries to help the abandoned and savaged creatures that we care so much about. Except when we don’t. It’s that old adage: “I can’t do it, but WE can.”

So, that’s my tail. Tale. Buster’s story. Did he survive this violent ordeal? I do not know. Was Buster the only dog that suffered this particular brand of wickedness? Hell, Buster wasn’t even the only dog THAT DAY to have been brutalized and dumped in a freezing public park. And that’s just in MY city. What’s happening in yours?

We love our critters. That was evidenced by the outpouring of kindness by every one of you who read the original posts of Buster’s rescue on my Facebook wall (in 2010). It moved you. It moved me to curse into the sunshine and cry inside a car wash. (That was weird, by the way. Try it.) But the job is bigger than us as individuals. So we ask organizations to do collectively what we cannot accomplish singly.

I can’t, but WE can.

This story is not about pit bulls. It’s not even about one dog. It’s about cruelty and the human condition. Maybe, by enlisting the help of the SPCA, we can feed, house, and warm Buster and all the Busters in our neighborhoods who are howling at people to “COME NO FURTHER!” because they don’t know how good a hug feels, even on an open wound.

Give to the SPCA. Merry Christmas.

(Also, please spay or neuter your pets. And possibly anyone who is cruel to animals.)

 

Erin Waugh

16 December 2010

 

buster in the hole brandon coaxing buster brandon buster truck

 

“Yoga Matter”

Tweak: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I’m rolling up my yoga mat.”

Tweak is sitting on tuffet in a Meatloaf Pose, a motionless lump of judgmental peace.

Tweak: “It looks like a burrito. What do you fill it with?”

Me: “Sweat. Hope. Spandex.”

Tweak arches her back into a perfect C-shape, then flops on her side. She bends her head downward over the edge of the tuffet and licks one paw.

Tweak: “What is this ‘yoga’?”

Me: “It’s a Sanskrit word that means ‘unity’ and also, ‘Those are really nice pants.’”

She flicks her tail once, twice, then stretches her hands out over her head extending her body to three times its normal length. Her vertebrae are taffy.

Tweak: “Why do you do yoga?”

Me: “Because gravity is a bitch, and I don’t want to be one.”

She twists her spine from neck to tail like someone unwrapping a caramel.

Tweak: “I don’t see the point.”

Tweak jumps off her tuffet, lands like Nadia Comaneci on the wood floor, and attempts to seduce my yoga mat by squirming her fur all over it.

Me: “No, I don’t suppose you would.”

Then she flounces down the hall for a nap. My yoga mat is now a Chia burrito.

Tweak: “Namaste, bitches.”

 

20 June 2014, “Tolerating Tweak.”

 

tweak meatloaf

“Cream”

Tweak: “What’s that?”

Me: “You know what this is.”

Tweak: “Come on, just say it.”

Me: “Cream. It’s cream.”

.

Tweak: “Can I have some?”

Me: “You know that answer to that, too.”

Tweak: “GIVE ME SOME CREAM!!”

Me: “It makes you throw up.”

Tweak: “So it’s like online dating?”

 

I stir my coffee.

 

Me: “Desperation makes you mean.”

Tweak: “How come you can have cream and I can’t?”

Me: “Because I have thumbs.”

Tweak: “How come you can have thumbs and I can’t?”

Me: “For online dating.”

 

I stir.

 

Me: “You want some cream?”

.
Tweak: “I’d love some.”

 

19 June 2014, “Tolerating Tweak.”

tweak in chair yelling

“Frog Cracklin’s”

Me, hollering through the back door: “I bought you a toy!”

Tweak, muttering from somewhere in the house: “Why?”

Me: “Because I’m an American. It was only four dollars.”

I put away the groceries and set out, excited about my gift, to locate Tweak. I find her wrestling with a plastic bag, surfing down the hall, and kicking at it like maybe it was full of monkeys. Or cocaine.

Me: “See?” I ask, holding up a green and yellow frog. “Isn’t it colorful?”

Tweak: “How would I know?”

Me: “Also, it crackles.” I wiggle the legs back and forth to demonstrate.

Tweak: “Like this bag, you mean?”  Tweak rattles her legs against the plastic in mockery.

Me: “Just let me take it off the cardboard. You’re going to love it.”

I remove four robust twisty ties that are strong enough to have held an actual frog in place. During a crucifixion. I accidentally drop one and it skitters across the hardwood floor like it’s escaping a predator. Tweak leaps up and murders it.

Me: “Look at this cute frog!”

I toss the frog on the floor. It crackles and plays dead. Tweak is still punishing the twisty tie for crimes against amphibians by molesting it into the shape of a 3-chambered heart. She rolls onto her back and holds the tie up with her hands to declare victory and inadvertently rolls on top of the frog. It crackles. She jumps back.

Tweak: “Where did you buy this?” She pokes the frog with one toe.

Me: “Meijer.”

Tweak: “Do they sell milk?”

Me: “Of course they sell milk, but you can’t have any.”

Tweak: “But you could toss me the milk ring.”

She tips the frog over. It crackles and dies. Again.

Me: “What am I supposed to do with this frog?”

Tweak: “Kiss it. Maybe it will turn into a good idea.”

 

30 June 2014, “Tolerating Tweak”

 

Tolerating Tweak – “Frog Cracklin’s”

Illustrations by Susie Winnie Morrison 

2014 June 30 frog toy