Me: “I see that some celebrity nudes have leaked.”

Tweak: “Oh, that is always so messy.”

Me: “No, not leaked FLUID. I mean photos of them without clothes on have reached the internet.”

Tweak: “Why do humans wear clothes anyway?”

Tweak licks a combed trail down her perfect fur.

Me: “Have you SEEN us naked?”

Tweak: “Well, I’ve seen YOU.”

Me: “I don’t count. I’m fabulous.”

Tweak suddenly backs up on the carpet and vomits up a hair ball.

Me: “Hey, it’s Rush Limbaugh! But seriously – most undressed humans look like fetal pangolins.”

Tweak: “’Naked mole rat’ would have been funnier. Nobody knows what a ‘pangolin’ is.”

Me: “A pangolin is… Picture Steve Buscemi without clothes.”

Tweak ejects another hair ball.

Tweak: “And so when humans are naked they’re… what? More valuable?”

Me: “Um…”

Tweak: “I mean, if you’re all so hideous, why do you stare at each other?”

Me: “Well, we’re also shallow.”

Tweak: “Don’t forget ‘vain.’”

Me: “And chock full of judgment.”

Tweak: “On the other hand, I’d pay money to see a Kardashian leaking fluid.”

Me: “My turn to hurl.”

Tweak: “No, I mean through an artery.”

We high-five.

 

1 September 2014, “Tolerating Tweak”