+++

Tweak: “There were 17 flies in here last night.”

Me: “That’s a lot.”

Tweak: “After you unloaded groceries, you forgot to shut the door.”

Me: “Why didn’t you remind me?”

Tweak: “I was too busy ignoring you.”

Me: “I think a group of flies is called a LORD.”

Tweak: “I think 17 flies in your kitchen is called a DISGRACE.”

Me: “Well, did you take care of them?”

Tweak: “I gave them a beverage and showed them your Werther’s.”

Me: “You’re an enabler.”

Tweak: “I’m a genius.”

+++

16 June 2014, “Tolerating Tweak.”

“17 Flies” – Illustrations by Susie Winnie Morrison. 

+++

Me: “Stop sharpening your claws on my belly.”

Tweak: *purrs*

Me: “Seriously, I dreamed I was being attacked by giant insects.”

Tweak: *purrs, sharpens some more*

Me: “In Japan.”

Tweak: *pauses, squints*

Me: “Your claws are Samurai blades.”

Tweak: *smiles, sharpens like she’s in training for Benihana*

Me: “On Mothra.”

Tweak: *drools*

Me: “What-uh? You sink I beesh-uh too many time?”

Tweak: “You did not just say that.”

Me: “Would you like flies with that?”

Tweak: “How do you have any friends?”

*rakes harakiri across my sternum*

+++

15 June 2014, “Tolerating Tweak”

Today’s episode comes complete with visual aids.                             Illustrations by Susie Winnie Morrison.                            

Tolerating Tweak – “Mothra”

Me: “Tweak! What did you eat??”

I am in bed. Tweak is sitting on my chest breathing at me.

Tweak: “Whatever nurdles you poured in my bowl. They’re shaped like X’s and pain.”
Me: “You love those nurdles.”
Tweak: “You feed me like a tic-tac-toe game.”
Me: “Your breath is terrible.”
Tweak: “It’s a game nobody wins.”

She yawns a cavern of death. Dreams die.

Me: “Maybe you should brush your teeth.”

Tweak inhales the nighttime from my mouth.

Tweak: “I also ate your soul. Maybe you should brush your soul.”

14 June 2014, “Tolerating Tweak.”

Tolerating Tweak — “My Soul Needs a Breath Mint”

Illustrations by Susie Winnie Morrison 

My cat Tweak’s first post. She is very excited. I know this because she wrenched her claws out of my arm long enough for me to type this.

What follows are small conversations with my cat Tweak. Like all oracles of wisdom, Tweak is both beautiful and brain-damaged.

Cat Gasket

Me: “You have to move.”
Tweak: “No.”
Me: “I have to get up.”
Tweak: “Do you see how busy I am sitting here?”
Me: “You’ve sealed me in like a cat gasket.”
Tweak: “I could hold this meatloaf pose for hours.”
Me: “I need coffee.”
Tweak: “Hours.”

I un-twist out of the bed coffin, snagging a toe in the cold half of the blanket. I squint against the burn and try not to bark. “Dammit, Tweak. That’s gonna leave a mark.”

Tweak yawns: “Okay, I’ll come with you. I hope the cream is fresh this time.”

Also, this first episode comes complete with visual aids, drawn by Susie Winnie Morrison.

“Cat Gasket” — 2014 June 13