Thursday, 12 March, 11:48 a.m. – The engine light comes on in my Chevy Equinox.
Thursday, 12 March, 11:49 a.m. – I say a very bad swear.
Thursday, 12 March, 12:07 p.m. – I pull into the AutoZone where “Roy” plugs his “majigger” into my “kerswilly.”
Thursday, 12 March, 12:15 p.m. – Roy and I are married in a civil ceremony
Thursday, 12 March, 12:16 p.m. – I’m kidding! Roy gives me a code.
Thursday, 12 March, 12:17 p.m. – And also The Clap.
Thursday, 12 March, 12:18 p.m. – I’m kidding! Hardly anybody applauded.
Friday, 13 March – I take my car to Belle Tire where a tech plugs his own majigger into my kerswilly. He does not charge me for the privilege of verifying that I do, indeed, have “a code,” but further detail will cost me “a child.” He narrows the problem down to cats.
Friday, 13 March – I call my local Chevy dealer to find out whether my old catalytic converter is still under warranty.
Friday, 13 March – It is not.
Friday, 13 March – HAHA!
Saturday, 14 March – I write a note to Chevy Customer Care and plead mercy. (The catalytic converters [there are two – Cat 1 and Cat B, I think] are 2,000 miles out of warranty.) I beseech Chevy Customer Care for help. I hardly use any swears.
Saturday, 14 March – They write back to me.
Saturday, 14 March – Chevy Customer Care and I are married in a civil ceremony.
Saturday, 14 March – I’m kidding! They say “maybe.”
Monday, 16 March – I call my local Chevy Dealer and ask them about my cats. “Stan” tells me to bring my kerswilly down to the shop where he will plug in his… I stop him and tell him I am sore. We agree that this joke has been played out.
Tuesday, 17 March – The engine light shuts off. The gas mileage shoots up to where it was before the decay. God laughs.
Friday, 20 March – I take my car into the Chevy Dealer where Stan tells me that my cat is in bad shape. I slap him.
Friday, 20 March – Stan and I are married in a civil ceremony.
Coda: Nothing has actually been repaired yet, although my kerswilly has been majiggered three times in the last eight days. The Chevy Dealer has ordered me a new Cat B. This shiny and much younger (probably) replacement part will be delivered and installed sometime next week for $250 instead of the original estimate of a Brazilian dollars$, due all or in part to my whining on Chevy Customer Care’s public Facebook page, using polite (honey-coated) words and hardly any inflammatory (vinegar) blames.
Stay tuned for next week’s exciting conclusion where I thrust my vehicle repeatedly into a service tunnel, and then broadcast the turgid victory of my euphemism.
Now don’t ask me any more questions. I need a nap. Somebody hold me.
Erin Waugh, 20 March 2015
“True Stories Told in the Key of E-flat”